AITP for Kicking My "Visionary" Ex-Husband Out of My House?

This is the high-performer’s nightmare – the subtle, yet classic pattern of a covert narcissist…

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I 45F have been married to “Steve” for the past 10 years. Things started out good. It seemed like we were on the same page. I loved his creativity and passion. Neither of us wanted kids so we directed our time and energy into growing a business.

Steve thinks so big and is captivating with his vision of the future. It was like he stepped into that future reality. The trouble was, he wasn’t willing to do the work. He felt, as the visionary, that doing the work was beneath him – and my job. Even worse, nothing I did was ever good enough to meet his vision of what “could be.” When money wasn’t coming in, Steve convinced me to persuade friends and family to loan us money to keep going.

Eventually I realized that this business, this business model, with Steve at the helm was never going to work. Worse yet, his belief that I can do nothing right carried over from work to home. I lived with constant criticism and nitpicking for years. I hid all of it from my family and friends out of guilt. I’d persuaded them to loan us money for Steve’s vision and vowed to myself to pay them back someday.

About two years ago, I started another business just to get away from Steve during the day. That business is growing and has paid for our living expenses. Despite that, Steve’s putdowns, silent treatment, and weaponized incompetence at home have continued. I even discovered he was sabotaging my business by canceling my alarm, so I’d miss client meetings.

Here’s the problem – as if that wasn’t enough. Six months ago, I’d had enough. I told Steve this relationship was not working and we needed to divorce. I filed that day. We don’t have any kids and we lived in the home that I owned before marriage without any other major assets, so the divorce was quick and easy. I gave Steve four months notice to get a job, find a place, and move out. He kept acting like nothing had changed and this wasn’t happening. I repeatedly reminded him of the pending deadline.

Two months ago, Steve seemed surprised when the day came and I insisted he move out. He hasn’t even looked for a job or a place to live. Since then, he’s been living in his car. My family and friends were with me all the way until they found out he was living in his car. Now they think I’ve overreacted and that this is no way to treat someone I once loved. AITP?

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What’s your take?

This poster is struggling with her ex-husband’s extreme behavior. She made the decision to divorce and felt good about putting an end to the constant criticism and other abuse tactics she experienced at home. But now her ex is living in his car, and she both looks and feels terrible. Should she have let him stay? Should she have given him more time? Should she hold firm with her boundary? What would you do?

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Here’s my take…

There are people in this world who dream so big, they inspire others to do the same. They are initially wonderful to be around – full of passion and vision – until you realize that they spend all of their time dreaming with no commitment to action.

This pattern is quite common amongst covert narcissists. All narcissists love bomb you by creating this lens for how you see them and how you see yourself, whether you’re a friend, family member, business partner, or romantic partner. While overt narcissists love bomb in more traditional ways, covert narcissists capitalize on your empathy and make you feel good about you. You love feeling lit up and on fire. You love dreaming big. You love feeling someone else’s and your own passion.

This type of covert narcissist gets narcissistic supply from you feeling their passion, fueling their fire, sharing their vision, and taking action to make their vision a reality. When the passion and fire start to fade into the shadows of the drudgery of taking action, their tactic shifts to devaluing you and your efforts. This is where you’ll see tactics like passive-aggression, put-downs, the silent treatment, and more. Your expectation that they carry some of the load often leads to weaponized incompetence, so you take on even more responsibility.

Convincing you to persuade family and friends to buy into the vision – literally, with a loan, also gives the covert narcissist narcissistic supply. It also makes it harder for you to leave. For someone highly responsible, you’ve got a lot more skin in the game.

For the covert narcissist whose dream business has fizzled, seeing their partner start and run a successful business causes narcissistic injury. They aren’t appreciative or grateful that you’re relieving financial pressure, but instead feel wronged. Narcissistic injury is a profound trigger for punishing and sabotaging behaviors.

Those with narcissistic personality disorder commonly refuse to see the reality of their situation. They believe you’ll back down on a boundary – likely because you have many times before. Avoiding taking action, or withdrawal, may also signal narcissistic collapse.

Living in one’s car is an excellent example of narcissistic collapse. And it frees them to “play the victim” gaining the support of your friends and family.

Can I say for certain that Steve is a covert narcissist? No, I’ve never met him. However, in my work as a narcissistic abuse recovery expert, particularly given my expertise with covert narcissists, I see this pattern play out again and again. For the high income, high impact professional, this type of relationship is a great risk.

Okay, here’s my response to the poster.

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Let’s start with your ex-husband’s behavior.

🚩He is a dreamer. This is a very subtle red flag, often missed by high performers, because they too dream big. The difference is, he only dreams – he doesn’t take action to bring those dreams to life.

🚩 He felt that he is the visionary and the “work” was beneath him. This is his entitlement showing. It can be quite subtle – especially when you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.

🚩He felt nothing you do is good enough. The covert narcissist is a backseat driver or armchair quarterback, unwilling to take action to avoid failure. In lieu of the narcissistic supply that would come with praise, validation, or respect for a job well done, the covert narcissist gains the majority of their narcissistic supply by devaluing you, or – even more – complaining about you to their flying monkeys.

🚩He convinced you to persuade friends and family to “buy in” to the vision and loan you money. This can also be really subtle. Maybe he says his friends and family don’t have any money. Maybe he persuades you that you’re doing them a favor by “letting them” become involved. It’s all manipulation. He also knew you wouldn’t share your experience of his abuse tactics with your friends and family – in order to save face – having brokered the loan. This is the perfect setup for him to share his narrative without you being any wiser – grooming them as flying monkeys.

🚩 He has used put-downs, the silent treatment, weaponized incompetence, and sabotage to punish and devalue you in response to his narcissistic injury.

🚩 He acted like nothing had changed and made no plans to find a job or move out. This can also be incredibly subtle – especially when there’s a plausible excuse.

🚩 He moved into his car. This is a classic example of a narcissistic collapse. I suspect he’s also “playing the victim” to your friends and family. Turning them against you – making them see you as horrible – reinforces his narrative to himself and gives him narcissistic supply.

I’ve called out the poster’s ex-husband’s numerous red flags — and shown you how subtle they can be when you’re dealing with a covert narcissist. Next, I’ll address the poster’s friends and family, who have amplified her self-doubt and I’ll show you where the poster showed up for herself in a powerful way and where she has room for growth – all so that YOU can feel clear and confident in YOUR relationships.

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Let’s talk about your friends’ and family’s behavior.