AITP for Leaving for College and Sticking My Parents with the Rent?

Where do your obligations lie? Providing for yourself or for your family?

AI generated by Gemini

I 18M am graduating from high school in just a few months. I currently live with my parents and plan to go off to college this fall. Neither of my parents went to college and don’t think very highly of education, so I haven’t mentioned my plans yet. I just don’t want to have to argue or justify why it’s important to me.

My dad works full-time and has a fairly low-paying job. My mom doesn’t work at all. She’s not disabled – she just doesn’t want to work, but she does want a better lifestyle. This has caused a problem for some time. When I turned 16, I got a job at the local grocery store. I thought I’d be saving for college, but my parents had other plans. They started charging me $500 each month for rent, which was nearly all I earned as I am a full-time high school student.

Here’s the problem. My mom has been complaining about our current apartment for awhile. She wants to live somewhere nicer. My parents can barely afford this place with the rent that I pay them. They’ve recently discussed moving to a new apartment – one that my mom likes – and I recently accidentally overheard them talking about increasing my rent to $800 per month after I graduate, so they can afford it.

I haven’t told them yet that I won’t be living with them. In August, I’m going off to school in another state. With scholarships and a part-time job, I can get an education and set myself up for a better life.

Now I don’t know what to do. They never asked me if I’d like to move with them to the new place and pay the higher rent. I technically am not even supposed to know about it – I only overheard them. I wasn’t planning on mentioning I was leaving until much closer to August so I wouldn’t have to listen to them try to convince me college is a waste of money for 5 months. I don’t want them to be stuck in a lease they can’t afford – yet I also don’t feel like this is my problem. They also can’t afford their current lease without my rent. AITP for going off to college? AITP if I don’t tell them before they sign the new lease?

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What’s your take?

This story raises several interesting questions. What’s the poster’s financial responsibility to his parents? Was it fair to charge him rent as a minor and full-time student? Is it fair to rely on his financial contribution moving forward? Does he have an obligation to share his plans?

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Here’s my take…

This is a complex and unique situation, but there are elements that I know are pretty common.

The poster is reluctant to share his college plans because he knows his parents don’t value college and will try to talk him out of going. How often do you experience someone trying to talk you out of something important to you because they have different values – or worse yet, because you staying stuck benefits them in some way?

The poster’s parents started collecting rent while he was a minor. Though that alone would be quite unusual in my community, the theme of someone feeling entitled to someone else’s money is extremely common. How often have you been expected to pay for something to “keep the peace,” even if those words are never said? This is the bane of the people-pleaser’s existence.

In some communities, it can be common if both parents are working 2-3 jobs and still struggling to make ends meet, that the children help out – even while minors. That’s not the case here. The poster’s able-bodied mom chooses not to work.

As a narcissistic abuse recovery expert, can I say anyone in this story has narcissistic personality disorder? No, certainly not, though the story suggests underlying financial abuse, undermining one’s competence, putdowns, and control.

Here’s why I chose to respond to this story…this “should I, shouldn’t I" dilemma is so common to narcissistic abuse survivors that it’s worth unpacking this a bit.

Okay, here’s my response to the poster.

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Let’s start with your parents’ behavior.

🚩Your parents haven’t gone to college and don’t value education. While those aren’t red flags, in and of themselves, they are red flags if they project those beliefs onto you. You describe a very common fixed mindset – one that is unwilling to consider another point of view. At best, this can make conversations very one-sided. At worst, you may have experienced gaslighting and other elements of control that make you want to avoid a certain argument.

🚩 Your mom doesn’t work, but she wants a better lifestyle than they can afford on your dad’s income. While this is very common, it’s a trap that will keep her stuck in the role of victim in the drama triangle. For someone in the role of victim, all others will either be seen as rescuers or persecutors. This puts you in a very awkward position, especially at your age.

🚩Your parents charged you rent while you’re in high school. Now that isn’t inherently a red flag, but several nuanced aspects of this story are. For example, you describe a situation in which your dad works one job and your mom doesn’t work at all. This isn’t a story of parents working 2-3 jobs each and the kids jumping in to help out because they’re all in it together. Additionally, the rent charged is hefty for a high school student and exceeds that typically seen, say if a parent were trying to teach financial skills. Instead, this reads like your parents are trying to use your income to pay their responsibilities fund their lifestyle.

Finally, taking nearly all of your income severely limits your choices and, if designed to keep you dependent and under their control, is a classic example of financial abuse.

🚩Your parents have decided to move to a more expensive apartment without discussing with you your plans or expected financial contributions. Even worse, they plan to increase your rent 60%. They’ve kept the plans secret, which makes you easier to control – assuming you’ll go along with the plan because you have nowhere else to go. This is completely uncool and again demonstrates financial abuse.

I’ve shown you the poster’s parents’red flags — and how subtlety and nuance can be critical in determining if behavior is unusual vs abusive. Next, I’ll show you the gaps in the poster’s emotional development, how he can create clarity, and then how he can move forward confident that he’s not the problem, so that YOU can create clarity and confidence in YOUR relationships.