AITP For Telling His Family I Earn The Money After Their Gold-Digger Insult?

Financial abuse, undermining, passive-aggressive putdowns, name-calling, deception, gaslighting, blame-shifting, and avoidance of accountability…

I 42F married my husband 45M 15 years ago. We have 2 kids, ages 11 and 7. I started a business a year or two before we met and have grown it to a comfortable place. I make good money and have a lot of flexibility to go to the kids’ events at school, take time off with them in the summer, and take most Fridays off.

My husband works a typical 9-5 job with much less flexibility. We split household responsibilities pretty fairly. That’s never really been a problem. He’s always been okay with the fact that I make about 75% of the household income. We pool all of our money into a joint account.

Here’s the problem. Over the years, some of his family members have made passive-aggressive comments about our home, cars, vacations, and my flexible schedule. To be fair, some of them are struggling and we are very comfortable.

Things came to a head this weekend when we had his family over to celebrate our daughter’s birthday. The comments were nearly non-stop – “Must be nice to be able to buy your kids presents like this,” “Wow, 2 vacations this summer?” “A fancy custom cake for a 7-year-old? I can think of better ways to spend that money.”

Eventually I’d had enough. I waited until the kids were off playing and told them the comments needed to stop. I said we work hard for our money and enjoy spending it on our family. My mother-in-law jumped in to correct me, saying that HER SON works hard for his money and that to her it looks like I don’t do much at all. My SIL jumped in saying it must be nice to spend someone else’s money. Then, my BIL’s wife made a comment about me being a gold-digger.

I was so stunned, I couldn’t speak. I looked at my husband who just sat there saying NOTHING. I snapped back, saying that I made the vast majority of the household income and enjoyed spending the money that I earned.

I went outside to cool off and the family left fairly soon after. My husband immediately started yelling at me for embarrassing him in front of his family. He said we’ve always agreed to be private about our finances, which is true. He also said he can’t control what other people believe. I just couldn’t believe he’d sit there silent while they accused me of mooching off of him! AITP?

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What’s your take?

This poster is dealing with some unpleasant dynamics in her relationships with her in-laws and in her relationship with her husband. The poster and her husband had an agreement to keep their finances private. But was she required to let his family call her a gold-digger during a family party she hosted in their home? How should she handle the in-laws moving forward? Her husband? Discussions about finance?

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Here’s my take…

There are so many complexities at play here. Relationships with the in-laws are frequently challenging at baseline. Being on the same page about how much financial information to share can be tough for many couples. And then we have the income difference and societal assumptions about who is earning the money and deserves to benefit from it.

The poster has dealt with passive-aggressive comments from her in-laws for years about how much money she spends and how much she works. She is dealing with a group of people who have a different world-view. Those who form judgments about people who earn and spend “more” see the world from a scarcity mindset. They don’t realize that the people who earn the most work the least and vice versa. That’s the nature of the flow of money. A worldview can’t be changed with a single conversation. It may never change – especially when it’s held by many of them. There’s a collective family consciousness that makes it unlikely any of them will expand their mindset.

The poster needs to realize that when her in-laws comment negatively on her spending or work habits, they are in the role of the victim in the drama triangle. This means they will only see her as a rescuer or perpetrator. They feel like her money for cakes, presents, and travel take something away from them. They feel like her flexible work schedule and time off take something away from them. She has to step out of the drama triangle before this dynamic can shift.

Frequently spouses differ in their comfort level about sharing financial information with family or anyone. In some families, everything is shared. In others, nothing is shared. It sounds like they were on the same page, so long as it suited the poster’s husband. Their issue is not one of sharing financial information, but rather, her husband was fine keeping things quiet while his family assumed he was the primary breadwinner and his wife was a gold-digger. That is a major problem. He could set this straight without specific details, for example, saying “She makes significantly more money than I do and can spend money and time as she wishes.”

Finally, no matter how progressive a couple is, there are still societal assumptions about who is and should be the primary breadwinner and who should be free to make financial decisions. It sounds like the poster’s husband hasn’t owned his worth in this situation and sees himself in some ways “less than.” This has made him hold back from correcting assumptions – assumptions that benefit his ego.

In my work as a narcissistic abuse recovery expert, I’ve learned that the diagnosis or label doesn’t matter. Recognizing and reshaping dysfunctional dynamics are what matters. This story suggests elements of financial abuse, undermining one’s competence, passive-aggressive putdowns, name-calling, deception, gaslighting, blame-shifting, and avoidance of accountability.

Okay, here’s my response to the poster.

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Let’s start with your in-laws’ behavior.

🚩Your in-laws have made negative, passive-aggressive comments over the years about your home, cars, vacations, and flexible schedule. These types of comments are never relationship-building and have no place in a healthy family dynamic, as they are a way of isolating you from the rest of the family.

🚩 Your in-laws’ judgment and criticism and the party was uncalled for and unhelpful. The family was gathered to celebrate your daughter. As the cost of the cake and presents had nothing to do with them, those comments were entirely unnecessary.

🚩Your in-laws negative comments escalated when you didn’t respond. This is a common toxic behavior – trying to get a rise out of someone, to get them to snap, so they can then play the victim. They wanted a reaction.

🚩Your MIL corrected you publicly stating that HER SON works hard for his money and you don’t seem to do much at all. The assumptions she made – incorrectly – reveal her unfiltered opinion of you.

🚩 Your SIL pointedly accused you of spending your husband’s money, not realizing you earn the majority of the household income.

🚩 Your BIL’s wife called you a gold-digger, which would be laughable if it weren’t so hurtful.

🚩 The fact that multiple family members ganged up on you is a type of collusion and suggests these conversations have occurred behind your back for some time. They weren’t shocked by what was being said. They kept piling on.

🚩 Your in-laws left without any attempt to clear the air, clarify any misunderstandings, and heal the relationship.

I’ve called out the poster’s in-laws’ red flags — and shown you how differing worldviews, mindset, and cultural or societal assumptions can set a backdrop for relationship dysfunction. I’ve also shown you how the drama triangle plays out in these dysfunctional relationships. Next, I’ll address the poster’s husband’s behavior and show you where the poster showed up for herself in a powerful way and where she has room for growth – all so that YOU can feel emotionally safe and valued in YOUR relationships.

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Let’s talk about your husband’s behavior.