AITP for Telling My Husband Not to Go on a Business Trip With a Flirty Woman?

This situation is a pressure keg of devaluation, love bombing, sexual harassment, triangulation, and exclusion accelerated by cognitive dissonance in the pursuit of narcissistic supply.

I 36F have been married to my husband, “Seth” for 10 years. We don’t have any children, but have built a wonderful life together, partnering in business and enjoying travel and other hobbies. We’ve both always been secure in our relationship and we’ve prioritized each other’s well-being. We both choose to immediately change course when the other is uncomfortable and would never do anything to intentionally hurt one another. Because of this, I have always trusted him implicitly – knowing he’d never hurt me. I believe he’s felt the same.

Our business is doing well and we’re financially comfortable. Recently we were given the opportunity to bid on a big project that would mean lots of extra revenue. Because of the project size, expanding over several domains, companies are teaming up to present together. We are teaming up with one key company led by an attractive, very flirty woman, and unfortunately, can’t win the bid without her company and support.

She has flirted with Seth over the years and made both of us uncomfortable, so we opted to head things off at the pass and work on the bid together. She only calls Seth, even if her question has to do with my area of expertise. In our meetings together, she hangs on his every word and laughs at his jokes as if he’s hosting SNL. Now she’s started touching his arm, rubbing his shoulders, and even making suggestive comments about finding ways to reduce his stress – in front of me! He tells me it makes him uncomfortable, but does nothing to stop it, because he says he wants to win the contract.

Last night, he mentioned that he’s heading out of town for a few days. Apparently she’s called a group meeting to finalize details of our presentation. There are 2 others from another partnering company attending, as well. Despite working on the bid as co-owner of our business, I was not invited. Worse yet, Seth accepted this invitation without insisting that I be included. And perhaps worst of all, he found out about the meeting and booked his flight last week without choosing to mention it.

I told him I’m very uncomfortable with this. Even though I trust him, I do not trust her. I also feel there could be a perception of impropriety to the companies we work with – even to our families and friends. I shared that beyond her flirtiness with him, I’m deeply hurt that I’m excluded. I’ve invested a lot of time into this bid and am a valued member of our company. I should be a valued member of this project. He brushed it off saying she wants to keep the group small, so that it’s easier to make decisions and refine our presentation and bid quickly.

This morning I told him that I’m so uncomfortable, I do not want him to go. Yes, it’s a large contract that would bring in a lot of money, but we are financially stable without it. This situation is so distressing to me that it’s just not worth it. He said we’ll talk it through when he gets back and then he left for the airport.

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out. At the moment, I don’t even care if he ever comes back. I feel like he’s crossed a line and there’s no going back. I don’t think he’ll cheat – that’s not the issue. I just no longer trust him. He was willing to knowingly make me uncomfortable and exclude me, from what should have been a team effort on our part, to please this other woman. AITP?

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What’s your take?

This poster is struggling with a radical change in her marriage relationship. She previously trusted her husband implicitly believing he would never hurt her and would prioritize her well-being and the relationship above all else – until he didn’t. Was it okay for him to go on the trip if he doesn’t cheat? Can she ever trust him again – in marriage and/or business? Or has his one decision changed their lives forever?

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Here’s my take…

Mixing business with romance adds complexity no matter how you look at it. You’re taking two people, potentially with different belief systems, backgrounds, worldviews, and personal values and putting them in a pressure cooker. I’ve always considered entrepreneurship personal development on steroids, and that certainly applies here.

The poster may value emotional safety and trust in their marriage more than additional income. Seth may believe bringing in additional income creates physical safety – especially if he feels he’s ultimately responsible for being the provider.

While the poster sees Seth’s toleration of the flirting as a betrayal, he may value the confidence boost from being flirted with and find that it actually makes him perform better. If he doesn’t intend to cheat, he may not see the harm.

This worldview difference gives them vastly different experiences of the event. The poster feels this is a huge betrayal (cheating or not) because he chose to disregard her request for him to stay home and left anyway. Seth may have no intention of cheating and believe he “did what he had to do” for the betterment of their company and personal finances.

In my work as a narcissistic abuse recovery expert, I hear lots of stories of betrayal, broken hearts, and broken trust. The poster’s devaluation by the flirty CEO has greatly impacted her business and personal relationship with her husband. In that way, they’re both victims of narcissistic abuse tactics.

Okay, here’s my response to the poster.

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Let’s start with the flirty CEO’s behavior.

🚩She has flirted with your husband over the years. As a CEO, she knows this isn’t professional. She doesn’t care. She does it in front of you to devalue you.

🚩 She only calls your husband regarding a bid you both are working on when you are the one who can field her question. She doesn’t want an answer to the question. She wants two things: 1) another one-on-one point of contact with your husband 2) to devalue you by minimizing your contribution and excluding you. Contacting only him while excluding you is a subtle form of triangulation designed to negatively shift his opinion of you.

🚩She hangs on your husband’s words and laughs at his jokes. She is love-bombing him. Whether she wants to or believes she can steal him away, she is creating the lens for how he sees her – making sure he thinks of her favorably. That way, when you raise the issue, he won’t be willing or able to see it or address it, because the cognitive dissonance is too strong.

🚩She’s physically touching him and making suggestive comments to him in front of you. This is toxic on a whole other level. She is sexually harassing him and devaluing you while doing it. Nothing about this is appropriate for a business relationship and she knows that. She will continue to escalate her behavior (boundary creep)until she gets a response.

🚩 She scheduled an out of town meeting with the other key stakeholders on this project and excluded you. Let’s be perfectly clear. This was intentional. Whether she intends to cheat with your husband, give others the impression that they are together, or simply make you a nervous wreck, she is receiving benefit – narcissistic supply.

I’ve called out the flirty CEO’s red flags — and shown you how differing belief systems, backgrounds, and worldviews have contributed to a drastic change in the status quo for how this couple behaves in their relationship. I’ve also shown you how the flirty CEO has inserted herself into this couple’s previously healthy-appearing relationship. Next, I’ll address the poster’s husband’s behavior and show you where the poster showed up for herself in a powerful way and where she has room for growth – all so that YOU can feel emotionally safe and valued in YOUR relationships.

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Let’s talk about your husband’s behavior.